Cracks in Porcelain
by IAmAurora
Summary: Blair Waldorf had lost her virginity to her boyfriend Nate Archibald on the last day of her freshman year of Constance Billard School for Girls.  Then her world fell apart, with no-one there to care.  Then came Chuck.


Welcome to my first Gossip Girl story! I hope you all enjoy it.

It's a strange kind of cross-over between the books and the TV show, though drawing more from the show than the books since I haven't read them in a while. It'll be pretty dark (I think), though it'll probably lighten up in the end. IF you have serious aversion to eating disorders, drug addictions, and/or sex, this is not going to be the story for you.

And before you complain, yes, I know I've screwed around with the timeline.

Please rate and review!

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Blair Waldorf had lost her virginity to her boyfriend Nate Archibald on the last day of her freshman year of Constance Billard School for Girls. She had been named successor to the Queen Bee (_Queen B_), a first for a freshman, and had brought her boyfriend home to celebrate.

A bottle of champagne later, Nate (_lovely beautiful naïve thick Nate_) crawled on top of her, kissing her up her body to her face.

"So, Blaire, what'll it be tonight?"

She had cocked her head to the side, searched his eyes, then pulled his mouth to hers in a kiss. Flipping them over, she leant down and whispered in his ear, "This is what it'll be," reaching her hand down to fumble with his belt buckle.

When it was done, Blair had laid in bed, Nate's arm draped over her waist, thinking that she didn't feel fulfilled or satisfied, just empty.

The next morning, Nate had confessed to sleeping with Serena at the Shepherd wedding the year before. (_Serena, her best friend forever. Serena, her other half. Serena, who had disappeared to boarding school without saying good-bye_.) It was salt thrown into the open wound of Serena's betrayal, and Blair (_shouted screamed sobbed_) demanded that Nate leave. Over the sound of her own tears, Blair thought she heard "I'm sorry" before the elevator doors dinged, but she wasn't sure, and wasn't sure she cared.

On her way to her room, she ate a box of Ferraro Rocher she had vowed last week she wouldn't touch, and found herself in the bathroom, kneeling next to the toilet as she purged away all her insecurities, at least for the moment.

For the next year, she kept up the pretence of her relationship with Nate (_lieslieslies_) and a mask of perfection (_Queens must never show weakness_) good enough to fool everyone, not that anyone cared enough to really look.

On the last day of her sophomore year, Blair publically broke up with Nate, making sure everyone knew that she was the one ending it, but not letting anyone know why (_no more comparisons to Serena Van der Woodsen, thankyouverymuch_). Gossip Girl practically imploded with details, and Blair wondered if this was what it felt like to be stalked. As she purged that night, she looked into the toilet as the water swirled and thought that the only person who could ever hurt her now was herself.

Two months later Serena came back (_nonononono_).

Blair didn't acknowledge her existence for a week, but when Serena finally cornered Blair in the second floor women's lounge at Constance, just as Blair was brushing her teeth after a therapy session with the toilet and demanded why they didn't just _talk_, Blair calmly finished cleaning her mouth, turned to face her one-time best friend (_what happened to forever ?_) and told her there was nothing to talk about. Like last season's Chanel, Blair was through with her. Serena couldn't say anything, too shocked by the absolute _nothingness_ in Blair's eyes.

As Blair started to walk by her, Serena sank to the ground in tears and choked on her words.

"B, I'm so so sorry. What have I done?" Blair knew the question was rhetorical, but couldn't resist at jab at the broken girl at her feet (_an eye for an eye. I can cause you just as much pain as you caused me._)

"You slept with my boyfriend." Blair's mask was back in place as soon as she walked through the door and out of Serena's life (_if only it was that easy_).

Two days later, Serena received a letter inside a letter, from Blair.

_I wrote this to you while you were away,_ it said_. I never sent it. Thought you should know._

Serena sat on her bed and read the letter that cited Blair's problems at home: her father leaving for one of Eleanor's male models and moving to France. Nate growing distant. Her harsh, loveless, unforgiving mother and Blair's problems with Bulimia. Blair's signature at the bottom of the letter was illegible, smudged with tears. Serena didn't know if they were Blair's or her own, but did it really matter?

Blair found a letter in her locker in school the next day, and from the messy scrawl saying it was to 'Blair,' she knew it was from Serena. For the first time in her school history, Blair forged a letter from her mother excusing her absence for the rest of the day, went home early, sat on her bed and read.

Serena wrote how she didn't know how to be Blair's friend after what she did, how she ran away from hurting Blair and, by consequence, hurting herself (_because they were one soul in two bodies, right? And hurting your other half always means hurting yourself_). She wrote about her mother leaving her in Eric's care again while she flew away to some exclusive island in the Caribbean with Klaus or Claus or whoever her husband was at the time, about how Eric had overdosed on sleeping pills and was in the hospital and that was why she was back, about how she really needed her best friend to help her get through this because without Blair, she had no one, not even all of herself, and she was falling apart from the outside-in.

Half an hour later, Blair found herself cuddling with Serena in her bed at the Plaza, telling her how she was falling apart from the inside-out and that maybe, just maybe, the two of them combined could keep it together long enough to get through it all.

For the first time in years, Blair felt just fine as she was. Most certainly not perfect, but there was no need to be perfect while in the arms of her (_imperfect too_) friend. Rebuilding 'them' would take time, but it would happen, Blair and Serena were sure.

That was how Blair found herself in the bar of the Plaza one night, two weeks later, waiting for her (_sunshine-haired_) best friend. They had decided on a simple girls-night out: drinks first then maybe a club or a movie or wherever their fancy took them. Serena had been cooped up in social exile while Blair had been cooped up in her bathroom (_no need for perfection in the arms of her friend, but that didn't include standing beside her friend in public_) and both felt the need to get out, to escape things for a night, to meet some people.

Serena was late, of course.

As Blair stirred the olive in the last dregs of her second martini, the bartender brought her another.

"I didn't order another," she explained with veiled patience. Not that she didn't want another, just that she didn't get what she wanted under her own terms.

"Courtesy of a Mr. Bass, miss. He also asked you to join him at his table," the man pointed to a table in shadowy corner, where the outline of a man (_boy_) was visible-nothing more.

Blair sighed and checked her phone again (_Serena hurry up_), but picked up her drink and made her way over.

"Bass," she greeted cordially (_coolly_) as she sat.

"Waldorf," he replied, nodding his head in her direction. Charles "Chuck" Bass was a long-time friend of Nate's (_don't think his name_). "First time I've seen you in denim. I have to say, the effect is exquisite." He ran an appreciative eye down what he could see from his side of the table. Blair fought the urge to shift uncomfortably.

"Stalk me much?" She bit back, turning to scan the room for Serena (_whereareyou, getmeoutofhere_). Chuck Bass, she knew from word-of-mouth, was dangerous. A shameless womanizer, coke addict, and filthily rich (even in her eyes), he was said to be as devious as her, with even more resources at his disposal, to assure that he got what he wanted.

She didn't want to deal with an old acquaintance of hers, a reminder of Nate (_don't think it_), not now, when Serena and her were doing wonderfully and getting back on track to pre-Shepherd wedding.

She was almost disgusted with herself, however when his words and admiring glance gave her tiny heart palpitations.

"Stalk? No. I'm Chuck Bass, I don't stalk. I merely," he gestured around him with his hand in a vague motion, "observe."

She raised a manicured eyebrow at him, rolling the fact over in her mind that he had not denied _observing_ her. She rolled her eyes.

"Any reason in particular you asked me to come over here, Bass?"

"Can't I just talk with an old friend?"

"We were never friends," she stated. It was true: Nate had, inadvertently or not, always kept his Blair life and his other social life very separate. The only time Chuck and she had ever really talked where during dinners and events Nate escorted her to.

"I'd like to change that," he leered, eyes roving over her breasts in a way that made her feel mildly violated. Spotting Serena (_finally_) enter the bar, Blair stood and picked up her drink.

"I'm sure you would," she drawled sarcastically, "but it'll have to wait for another time. I'm busy tonight."

Walking to the bar, she greeted Serena with a radiant smile, a hug, and perfunctory kiss on the cheek. As Serena twittered on about what fun things she had planned out for the night, Blair distinctly felt two hot eyes on her back. It took all her willpower not to turn around and look at him again.


End file.
